Parenting is hard. Like, mind numblingly hard at times. And parenting a pre-teen can be a bit of a gut punch.
I’m sitting in my living room, working on my laptop, and I keep hearing a dinging sound from the kitchen. Totally clueless to what this sound was, I got up to hunt it down. Finally, like an idiot mom, I realize it’s Jake’s ipad. Texts are flowing like milk and honey.
Jackpot.
Jake is going to be 12 in two months. He doesn’t have a phone yet, but he has an ipad that stays at home during the day. So far this morning, on a group text he is on, there are 165 messages, from kids, WHO ARE ALL AT SCHOOL.
Now, maybe you are saying whoa whoa whoa, you should be folding laundry or cleaning toilets or doing something more productive than reading your kids texts.
I respectfully disagree.
We have a rule that whatever comes through on the ipad, we get to see. We have parental controls in place and even an app that shuts it off during the day and at night, but after the long weekend I forgot to set it for the week. So, all the texts are coming in and I may have waisted a smidge of my morning keeping up with them ha! #momlife
Nothing alarming has been said, primarily mind numbingly short and abbreviated words such as ok, dude, idk(I don’t know), ikr(I know right), ya, idkt(I didn’t know that)and bruh(um. bro. I have no idea why the o has been replaced by a uh), XD(to my understanding, this is a big laughing face, according to urban dictionary). I mean, their vocabulary really is stellar at this age. So thankful they’re putting their 7 years of schooling to good use.
These pre-teens think they’re a bit cooler and older than they actually are ha! They’re awkward, sort of getting into the opposite sex but have no idea what that really means, they wear deodorant now, and are totally into throwing their hands up when you suggest something contrary to what they want to hear(which is basically EVERYTHING that comes out of our mouths). They are also way into eye rolling, which by the way, does not fly in this house. It’s an age full of new challenges and new demands. All ages come with new things, but this one seems to be the most daunting of all the seasons we have walked through as parents. And here’s why….
There is no one that came before us who did it this way. Meaning, we’re the first generation of parents raising kids in this technological age, which in my opinion just compounds the already natural challenges that come with parenting pre-adolescent kids.
Now, we find ourselves with this middle schooler, which comes with it a whole new level of educational demands, band, sports, church activities, technology, pre-teen hormones and attitude, changes in the body and mind. It’s a lot, and it’s all at once. Not only are they busy little bee’s, they’re also living in a culture where they’re getting bombarded with information, technology and temptation, and it all comes flying their way at rapid speeds.
They are no longer in the comfy spaces of their elementary schools. Now, there are kids with drugs. And vaping on the bus. And iPhones at the lunch table. And girls who are into boys and oh my word THEY THINK THEY ARE DATING. What in the world?! They’re like 3 years away from drivers permits, so just no. This is most definitely uncharted territory. And we, as parents in 2018, are having to navigate these issues at a much younger age than our parents did with us.
Conversations that our parents may have had with us at 12-15 years of age are now happening closer to the ages of 8-11. . We weren’t texting or on Youtube when we were 12, we were outside riding bikes and playing Duck Hunt on our Nintendo’s and sitting at the kitchen table doing our homework. We had call waiting and phones that attached to the walls of our house. These days are different. The world we live in now as parents is so much different from the one we lived in as children. Some things never change. Sin surrounds and people do bad things. There is still crime and war and danger and also, so much good.
So when you add the natural challenges of parenting a pre-teen with the new challenges of our culture, it makes for some hair pulling moments. I mean, are we alone? Is your middle schooler an angel? If so, share all your wisdom. Here is what I’m learning as we navigate this tricky season.
I am not his friend.
I want to be, but I’m just not. One day, when he’s old and grown and living on his own, paying his own bills, then I can be his friend. But not now. Not yet. I can be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a mouth for advice and building up. But I’m also his keeper, and with that comes grave responsibilities. Unpopular ones at times. This means, I may not always be liked. I may be “mom,” with a built-in eye roll, for many years to come. And that’s ok. Because it’s my job to protect. To nurture. To steer and guide and limit. It’s my job to say no. It’s my job to study, to do my own homework. What’s that game you want to play or that movie you and your friends want to watch? Hang on, let me do some research. Let me read all the books and live ON MY KNEES asking God for wisdom and guidance.
It’s my job to keep watch, to guard. Not to hover or helicopter my way around his life, but to be wise, alert, and at my post, however tiring or inconvenient that might be at times. It’s my job to respond, not react. Because Lord knows if I make it my mission to react and fly off the handle every time he tells me something, he will surely stop, and find someone else to talk to. It’s my job to nourish him, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s my job to help him choose friends and influences, to get him to practice in the right pants and to be his biggest and most obnoxious cheerleader in the stands.
To be his biggest fan, even when I don’t like him very much. It’s my job to look up from my phone when he needs to talk. Ouch. It’s my job to send him outside to play, to teach him how to care for his body. To play catch with him, teach him how to fold his own laundry and get himself up on time each day. Teaching responsibility and handing out privilege as the responsibility is handled well. It’s also my job to take the privilege and freedom back when it’s abused. It’s my job to take my job seriously. I mean, this is my greatest calling, and I must treat it as such.
It’s my job to step back, and allow some natural consequences to take place as he grows and learns how to be responsible. It’s my job to love, regardless of my feelings in the moment. To forgive. Oh man, this one is so hard. At nearly 12, he is so very aware when I’m not quick to forgive. He catches me. And so, I must forgive quickly and move forward, because it’s what I desire from him. This doesn’t mean consequences come off the table, it just means I hug and love and give words of encouragement as he deals with what he’s been given. Sometimes, this love is tough.
It’s all so contrary to our flesh. We basically want to do and say the opposite of all of these things so much of the time, because kids can push us to our very limits. But we are the adults, and the ones God placed over their care. It crushes me sometimes, the weight of this responsibility. And all those things I just said, I was saying as a reminder to myself. As the moms, we get much of the real-time stuff. The carpool conversations after school and the drives to practice and the study partner duty. And it’s hard. And exhausting. And also such a massive privilege. These kids, regardless of their ages, are in our care. They have been entrusted TO US. What a gift. What a massive gift.
I used to think or feel like God surely made a mistake, even though I know this is contrary to His nature. Our oldest is our hardest, and always has been. He is amazing and kind and funny and witty. Smart and tender, and so very aware of my feelings and the feelings of those around him. I can’t wait to see how God uses him as he grows. But he is also very hard to parent. He’s a bit oppositional and has an argument and case for all things. Simple conversations take energy and work, and there have been times over the years where I felt I wasn’t equipped for this. I’m not the one.
But I am. And Rob is. WE are his parents, and this is no accident. Paul David Tripp says this,
“Embedded in the larger story of redemption is a principle we must not miss: God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things in the lives of others.”
We are ordinary parents, serving an extraordinary God. He put the stars in orbit and ALL CREATION offers him praise. And so should we in our parenting. As hard as it is, it points us, in all our mess, to a Redeemer. All our mistakes. All our missteps. All our oops moments with our kids. All our yelling moments(and we ALL have them). All our “I don’t even know how to handle this” moments(and oh my gosh there are so many of these). All of it points our focus back to Christ, for without him we are lost and incapable, merely sinful flesh. He has made us ambassadors for Him, and He alone gives us the power and ability to parent our kids.
I am more often reminded of my need for a Savior through the mirror that is parenting than anything else in my life. We see all our flaws here. All of our imperfections and incapabilities. And that’s ok.
“So your hope as a parent is not found in your power, your wisdom, your character, your experience, or your success, but in this one thing alone: the presence of your Lord. The Creator, Savior, Almighty, Sovereign King is with you. Let your heart rest. You are not in this parenting drama alone. Your potential is greater than the size of your weaknesses, because the One who is without weakness is with you, and he does his best work through those who admit that they are weak but in weakness still heed his call.” ~Paul David Tripp, Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles that Can Radically Change Your Family
So here we are. Doing our very best, in all our shortcomings, to parent well. To not just survive this pre-teen thing, but to thrive here as we dive into where we are, however scary, and prepare for what’s ahead. It’s hard. And it’s infuriating. And it’s unknown. But it’s also beautiful and lovely and filled with joy and fun. It’s not all hard here in this place. This age has brought with it so many good things. And I wouldn’t go backwards to the diapers and the car seats. I wouldn’t trade the deeper conversations or the apologies and hugs I now get from a kid who is old enough to know when I need them. There is so much that’s good about this age. But there is always so much to learn. It’s always humbling, always a privilege, and always a direct reminder of the love, grace and redemption we’ve been given.
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