Last night I was at the kitchen counter making my salad. Lila wanted pancakes, so she was sitting at the counter eating her delicious carbs, while Rob had taken the boys to practice. As I was dicing my chicken, Lila said, “hey mom, remember when you used to make your dinner and go sit in your bed while we ate in the kitchen? You don’t do that anymore.”
Gut punch.
Tears.
Exhale.
Gratitude.
Last year, as I’ve said many times on the blog, was a hard year for us. We had several “big” firsts in our lives. We worked through it all in a way that was healthy for us, and were very much on the mend and upswing as far as the biggies were concerned, as we approached 2018. It’s a year that while hard, was probably one of our best in terms of what we learned and how close it brought Rob and I as a couple, and us as a family. We look back on it with sweet memories of God’s goodness and such a strong start to this next season of life with older kids and all of them in school, as well as the next 15 years of marriage.
However, as time marched on, I seemed to lag behind a bit, ever so stuck in a strange place that was unfamiliar to me. I’m a glass half full kind of person. I’m a dreamer. I’m a seize the day, make lemons from lemonade type. I’m fairly even, not what you would call moody. I have my faults, believe me, but these are some basic characteristics of my personality, until last year. I just could not work my way out of this space. This funk. This chronic PMS(see list below. Hello chronic irritability ha!). The frustration came and went, as I went from moments where I was literally desperate to change, to moments when I didn’t really care at all. I had no idea why, as this was an entirely new place for me. I chalked it up to leftovers from a hard year and just expected to wake up one morning to a new me that had somehow snapped out of it in my sleep. Not realistic I know, but I really did believe that’s what was going to happen. The truth was, I hadn’t really tried much to fix it, I just expected it to fix itself.
I’ve talked about this journey with 80 day obsession, and the in’s and out’s of this process, but I realized when these words escaped Lila’s mouth, that I haven’t really talked about THIS. And that I hadn’t really named this part of my story.
I’ve done a lot of research on depression since starting this process back in January. Once my mind began to clear and I began to feel myself coming back, I realized that what I had been dealing with looked a lot like mild depression. I wasn’t diagnosed, never went to a dr, and I’m not one for dramatics, so I never really thought about the word depression when I was walking(more like crawling) through it. What I realize now is that what I kept describing as “my issues” were in fact behaviors that mimicked depression. And that’s what I believe it was.
Here are some of the symptoms of mild depression….
- irritability or anger
- hopelessness
- feelings of guilt and despair
- self-loathing
- a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
- difficulties concentrating at work
- a lack of motivation
- a sudden disinterest in socializing
- aches and pains with seemingly no direct cause
- daytime sleepiness and fatigue
- insomnia
- appetite changes
- weight changes
- reckless behavior, such as abuse of alcohol and drugs, or gambling
*www.healthline.com
I wasn’t doing drugs, or gambling, but ya’ll, I pretty much experienced every one of these other symptoms. I was over spending, so we’ll put that in the financial bucket of mishaps on my list. And if totally obsessive and out of control coffee drinking is like drugs, add that one as well.
I know it’s crazy, but I just didn’t know. I mean I knew something was wrong, but I never could put my finger on it. I remember one specific week where I was really struggling. I felt like I was having a bit of an out of body experience. I scheduled a counseling session and as soon as I sat down and he asked how I was, I came completely unglued. And I’m not a crier, especially in public. I cry in the shower when no one is around(anyone else?) and then I’m good for another 3-4 months. Told you. Even. Not moody. NOT a crier.
So this was new territory for me. And I didn’t even know why I was such a mess. All I had going for me was that Lila started school and this is so stupid I have no idea what’s wrong with me ha! I blubbered my way through, he talked me down, we prayed, and I left. And nothing changed.
Fast forward a few months, when I hit rock bottom after Christmas. I was eating my body weight in Whataburger, injured and frustrated and spending so much time in my room, and I knew that THIS, this was not the life God had for me. Like, at all. This is not the person who makes an impact, who cares for her family, who tends to her marriage, who takes care of her home, who invests in friendships and strangers and serves and loves on the least. This is the selfish person that gives herself whatever she wants, except the things she NEEDS the most.
Self care.
Exercise.
Good nutrition.
And most importantly, feeding my soul, which I wasn’t doing.
So, I started this process of cleaning up my act. All I can say is that I woke up one day and decided to change. I didn’t wake up changed. Hear me.
I DID NOT WAKE UP CHANGED.
Change is a process that takes work. And time. And effort. And patience. And I’m a work in progress.
But I woke up with fire. An urgency to be different. To know Christ more intimately and to do better for my husband and to love my kids well, which I wasn’t doing from my pit. I knew I HAD to go all in. No halfsies on this one. No one toe in the healthy pool. It was dive in or die trying.
And so I dove in. And everything began to change. Here is a list of “lifestyle changes” that can treat mild depression…..
- exercising daily
- adhering to a sleep schedule
- eating a balanced diet rich in fruits and vegetables
- practicing yoga or meditation
- doing activities that reduce stress, such as journaling, reading, or listening to music
*www.healthline.com
So there you go. If only I had realized that what I was doing to my body, the toxic foods I was putting in and the lack of sleep and the departure from the things I KNOW nourish my soul(scripture, prayer, journaling) were actually killing me, maybe I would have changed it sooner, maybe. But then again , maybe I wouldn’t have. And maybe they weren’t killing me literally, but it was killing who I was and who I desperately wanted to be. I was allowing my unhealthy choices both in food and in the way I spent money, the way I spent my time, the things I said yes to, and the way I ran(or didn’t run) our home, to ruin me. Isn’t it crazy how all of those things are related? It still baffles me.
And as the momma, I set the tone for this house. For our family.
I set the tone.
And I was setting an unhealthy tone that resonated so deeply with my kids, that my 5 year old, 3 months later, remembers who her mom was then. And that stings and makes me cry and makes me angry with myself, and then I remember this thing.
I remember GRACE.
I remember I serve a God who offers bucket fulls of grace every second of every single day. And I remember that He holds no record of my wrongs, or my depression, or my faults or failures, for they are many. I remember that I am forgiven, redeemed, and used in my mess to be a light in the dark. I remember that tomorrow all things begin again, and that all things become new. I remember that he makes beauty from our mess and our pain and that he brings life from our ashes and our dry bones. He breathes life into us.
And I remember that I AM HUMAN and that this life is not going to be lived in perfection. That I can fall. And get back up. And that I can rise up with gratitude and a fresh perspective and a bit more clarity on the fact that life is often messy. And I can find freedom in speaking that truth, my truth, and I can find healing in knowing that there can be a new beginning. Not a perfect one, but a new one. A fresh one. That I can once again eat dinner at the table with my kids, and not in my bed, alone, drowning myself in Netflix(um but let’s be real, sometimes momma DOES need a Netflix timeout, so no shame there. My time out just lasted a bit too long).
I can rest knowing that there is no shame in my hard season. And I can use that season of my life to encourage YOU. I can use it to educate myself and to do my best to educate you, and to call attention to these unspoken things we often find shame in speaking out loud. There is no need for shame here. Only hope. And on the heals of Sunday, the day we celebrate the risen Christ, and the freedom that is found in Him, I am even more affirmed that God can use my weakness for His good. That He can transform me from a silly workout program that I started simply to lose weight, and use it to bring me back to life. Isn’t that insane? I started a workout program to lose some weight, and found a whole new self that had been buried under some hard things. Buried under the soil of a difficult season.
So, I want to ask you first and foremost, if you are experiencing any of those symptoms, please, go seek help. There is NO SHAME in going to see someone. None. Zero. We are all a big hot mess ya’ll, and there is nothing wrong with you. Go see someone, talk it out, speak these struggles OUT LOUD and go from there. You take away power from the enemy when you speak your truths and your struggles out loud.
I also strongly encourage you to take an inventory of your life. Your choices, nutrition, exercise, or anything that could have a handle on you to an unhealthy degree. Make some changes. Find a workout or fitness program that works for you. It doesn’t have to be 80 Day Obsession. Join a gym, a bootcamp, hire a trainer, get a group together for accountability, change your nutrition. These are all choices you are capable of making. Last time I checked no one was stiff arming me into the Whataburger parking lot. No one was holding a gun to my head. I was responsible for making the poor choices, as much as I’m responsible for making the healthier ones.
YOU DO NOT START ANY JOURNEY AS THE FINISHED PRODUCT. It is a process. Trust it. Embrace it. Lean into it. And love yourself, your family, your kids, and the God who made you, enough to change it. No excuses like “I’m too busy” or “I just can’t make that work right now.” Trust me, the excuses get you nowhere but deeper into your pit. And your life is worth living!!
So YES YOU CAN. And maybe that means you need a village to help you, and that is ok. Maybe that means medication or telling yourself no to something that has become a vice or that one big thing that has dug it’s claws in deep. It’s time to let it go and to say goodbye. It’s time for a healthier you.
I am no expert. I’m not a doctor or a counselor. I’m a wife and a mom and a mess of a person doing my best to live this one life well, learning from the good and learning from the impossibly hard. Because we are all a work in progress. So maybe just start by standing up, and taking your salad to the kitchen table. You may be surprised by how refreshing the view is out there.
The post Dinner In My Bedroom: What Depression Looked Like For Me appeared first on Red Head On The Run.